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Trigger Warning*
‘Just leave, then’
I’ve been feeling all the feels lately.
Pulling together my newest venture has really thrown me back in the depths of trauma I thought I had healed 
I don’t talk much about my PTSD. To anyone really. I don’t like to feel like a victim, I don’t like the shame it still holds over me and I don’t like the judgement from people who have no idea how real and dangerous it can be to be in love, in an unhealthy relationship. But it’s real as hell, and sometimes feels all consuming
A door slamming in the wind or hearing someone yell out when I’m not expecting it can physically spin my body into a survival response for hours.
There’s tears in my body ready to burst at any mention of my triggers. That’s just life for me, almost 8 years on. I’ve done lots of the work. I’ve done the healing and loving and accepting. But it’s still part of my life.
I put off doing this post. I overthought it. Worried about what people would say. But this morning was my ‘fuck it’ moment… over these years as I’ve healed bit by bit, I’ve vowed to get more and more vocal about my experiences because honestly, I’m inundated each year with women who are also silently battling the effects or aftermath’s of living in an unhealthy environment. And it hurts my heart knowing the shit they have to deal with. 
So here’s my rant - please can we stop the ‘just leave’, ‘I would have just left already’, ‘I can’t believe you put up with that’ or anything really in this category 
This is something you should NEVER say to a person experiencing or who has experienced DV.
Just count yourself lucky that you DONT understand why it’s never that easy… 
People don’t stay in these situations because they’re silly or weak. In fact, most people I know who have experienced trauma from the person they love/d are the strongest people out there!
Partner abuse is sneaky, it’s a dangerously slow slide, there’s lots of subconscious manipulation and there’s still an awful lot of love involved.
It’s truly something I still struggle to put into words.
What I want from this post is for people to understand these 3 things:
1. Leaving is generally the most dangerous time. The moments when an unhealthy partner loses the control they’ve created are the times when erratic behaviour occurs. It’s not a time to take lightly or throw out in unhelpful sentences. It’s also when most of the homicides occur. So please, just stop.
2. It takes on average 7 attempts for a person to actually leave or exit an abusive relationship. They may go back, they may lie to you. This is survival mode for them. It’s not about you.
3. The other person has a story too. This is probably the most murkiest part of intimate partner abuse. They aren’t just ‘bad’ people - they have big demons and sometimes horrible stories of their own. For this reason there’s a lot of empathy from the person who loves them - they’re in love with the good side and understand why the bad behaviour shows up. It’s sticky.
For me, this is the hardest part to comprehend. I have no hate for the person who triggered my PTSD. In fact, I still have a lot of love and gratitude. This person gave me two, incredible humans, many fun memories and made me who I am today. Without this chapter, I wouldn’t have the amazing life, mindset, heart and husband I have now.
So was ‘just leave him’ easy. No. It took years and I’m so grateful I made it out the other side. Because it’s fucking beautiful over here 
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